Be careful about "self-care" -
It can be a trap and lead to problems
I’m going to make myself unpopular because I’m challenging a very common and popular piece of modern advice. It’s not that I think it is always bad advice; it’s often good advice, given in good faith and with good intention. Unfortunately, it’s sometimes misguided or carried out thoughtlessly and with a negative result.
The advice I’m challenging is the one that says “practise self-care”.
On one level, of course we should practise self-care: we should take care of ourselves. It’s our job to look after the body and brain we’ve been given and to do that as well as we can.
But self-care does not necessarily mean “what feels nice” or “what we feel like doing”.
Taking care of ourselves means doing something that is right for us and has no negative consequences. Unfortunately, some of the things people do in the name of self-care - not going into work/school, having a treat/luxury, avoiding the thing we dread - can have negative results, results which could easily have been predicted if we’d taken time to think wisely and honestly.
Eating a piece of chocolate might be fine as self-care - but it might not. Eating a piece of chocolate if you’ve already just eaten 3 / 5 / 8 pieces and doing that too often brings negative consequences: fluctuating blood sugar levels, over-stimulation and unwanted (if it is) weight gain.
Indulging in a luxury might be fine as self-care - but not if it means we spend money we can’t afford or have to lose something we need.
Taking a day off might be fine as self-care - in fact very often it is and certainly everyone needs breaks. But taking a day off if the purpose is to avoid something you don’t want to do (such as going into school/work) is likely to have negative consequences:
Avoidance leads to greater fear, not less fear (I’ve written about this here) so taking a day off “because I don’t feel like going in” or because “I don’t feel strong enough at the moment” is not likely to make me more able to go in tomorrow. If something is going on that makes work or school very hard for you, certainly you need a solution but taking a day off might well not be it. (But it might be: you just need to be honest and wise, and ask for the help you need.)
Taking a day off for this reason is likely to make you feel negative and lower your self-esteem - but again it might not be. Think it through.
It can cause problems for other people - the teachers who have to set work, the colleagues who have to fill in. Think through how this will feel, too. Not saying you should always put other people first, just asking you to think it through.
If you miss school you lose opportunities for learning (Of course, if you’re ill, you need to miss school!)
It makes it harder to go back in afterwards, and creates the possibility of starting a habit of avoidance.
FOR CLARITY: be assured that I am NOT saying you shouldn’t taken time off! I am a strong proponent of resting where necessary. I am talking about taking time off when the purpose is to avoid something you don’t like or are afraid of. If the purpose is not that, it’s not what I’m talking about.
True self-care
True self-care, which I believe we should all practise, involves:
Doing the thing which not only feels good at the time but also genuinely makes us stronger, healthier, happier. Chocolate (or time off) might do this in moderation and at the right time. But we need to be honest.
Looking ahead, weighing up, balancing pros and cons.
Using our prefrontal cortex: the part of our brain that can look ahead, weigh things up and make cool decisions.
Thinking of ourselves, yes, but in a holistic way: our mind, body, future, present, goals, strengths. How does this action build us up and make us better, happier, stronger?
Self-care is not about avoiding pain. Our instinct is to avoid pain and sometimes that instinct is right. We don’t put our hand in a flame. But before following our instinct we need to engage wisdom. Stop, think, decide. Be wise.
Self-care involves doing the best thing for ourselves. Not the nicest and most pleasurable. Sometimes, the best thing is also the nicest and most pleasurable. But not always. The best days off, the best breaks, the best chocolate treats, all come when they come at times that are right for us.
Use your brain and make wise choices for yourself. Practise self-care wisely. Then it will feel great and you will feel great. Taking a day off for the right reasons - self-care. Doing it for the wrong reasons = route to feeling worse; not self-care.
If you’re not sure what is the right thing for you to do, ask someone you trust.
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Thanks for this. I tend to confuse self care with self indulgence...I'm working on it.