What is an adult, really?
And how to grow a strong grown-up
Sometimes my audience consists of young people and sometimes it consists of the parents and teachers who care about them. This time, it is both.
I think some adults have got adulthood wrong and some teenagers think it’s something it isn’t.
Here are some things that adulthood isn’t:
Always being right or knowing how to find the answer
Boring - or all about making boring decisions (sometimes it is, but sometimes being a teenager is boring, too)
Being able to do everything we want
OR being always 100% responsible and rule-abiding
Here is what I think being an adult is
Knowing when we have to step up and be strong for other people. And usually finding that strength.
Learning more about how to look after ourselves and make good choices.
Recognising when we get it wrong, saying so and trying to do it differently next time. It doesn’t matter if we go two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes, when life is particularly tough, we might find ourselves going backwards: it’s OK; we can turn it round. We’re adults. (See point 10.)
Looking outside ourselves and being empathetic about how other people might be feeling.
Managing our resources as well as we can: our energy, money, health, friendships.
Focusing on the things we can control and trying to ignore the things we can’t.
Valuing our differences and individualities - and those of others.
Being willing and able to change when change is going to be better for us and the people around us.
Thinking before we act. Or noticing when we didn’t.
Asking for help when we need it - but only when we’ve spent time trying to deal with the problem ourselves.
Those things sound all very well but … rather woolly and vague? They don’t fit all aspects of the “SMART” model (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-oriented). So, read on.
My recommendations for how to improve your adultness!
Assess: go through each one of the points above and identify a recent example of when you did this.
Aim: go through each one and identify one way you could do this in the next few days.
Build: identify one weakness and think of an action that could give you practice. (Then do it.)
Value: identify your strengths and say well done.
Just get through each day the best you can - there is actually no need to measure anything.
Spend time on 1-4 every now and then. A kind of mental check-in.
How to grow a strong grown-up
I get a lot of emails from parents worried about the levels of anxiety, sadness or distress in their teenagers. Here’s my advice for how to make all young people grow into a strong adult.
Let them read this article. The whole article. Discuss it with them. What did they think? What are they afraid of?
Show them how they can already follow the advice in 1-6 above. They are already becoming adult. But it takes a long time.
Help them understand that feeling anxious, sad, distressed, angry, fearful are all natural, normal, healthy human emotions. They are how we learn to react to things around us or things in the world. But help them see that also there are excitement, joy, love, peace, content. They might find them in different places from you but they can find them.
Let them make mistakes - let them aim high and sometimes experience failure. Don’t clear up for them and don’t step in when you think they’re about to mess up. But do be there for them afterwards.
Do expect them to be able to do much more than you think. And show them that you believe they can do this - “this” being whatever difficult thing they fear.
Let them disagree with you (but teach them to argue their side respectfully by watching you argue your side respectfully). Let them be right when they are. Let them have opinions; let them see both sides.
Let them see your concern and love - so they know you make rules because you care and because you’ve thought it through. But don’t let them see your worry. Your worries are to keep you awake, not them.
Teach (and model) the things we should all do to make our lives physically and mentally healthy: nutrition and hydration; physical activity; sleep; and relaxation.
Help them develop self-awareness. What are their strengths and weaknesses? (I’m not talking about school subjects.) What are their personality traits and how do these affect their behaviours and experiences, positively and negatively? Are there behaviours they’d like to change? How might they try to do that? Or is being aware of how their minds work enough? (It could be!)
Be the best adult you can be. Most of the time. And when it doesn’t happen, pick yourself up and try again. Because that is being an adult. And your teenager is already doing that, often. They need to see you doing it. They need to see that it’s not easy but it’s doable and you can do it and so can they one day.
Those are big bits of advice. You can’t carry them all out at once. But some of them you’re already doing - and so is your teenager.
You can do this. And so can they.
This is, in essence, resilience. But remember that I always say that resilience is not just about bouncing back after a setback. It’s also about enjoying the calm weather and the sunny days. It’s about grasping life and taking and giving as much as you possibly can. It’s about building yourself up first so that you can support others and together we can make our little bits of the world better and brighter places.
Of course, do take a look at my books as they say all this in much greater detail. My books speak directly to young people but adults love them, too. Why not buy one as part of the “Gift for a Teenager” package, or else just buy from my Bookshop.org page, where the links generate a small commission for me. Thank you!