Not just surviving but thriving
Adaptability, self-awareness and owning our lives
(Photo of me at my community herb planter. Do I garden for mental health or do I garden because I like gardening and it does good things for me? Read on and you decide.)
This post is about me putting into practice what I preach. And it is about that modern cliché - “looking after my mental health”. Yes, I think that is a cliché - in other words, a phrase that is used so often that it has lost meaning or no longer means what we intend it to - that needs some discussion.
Please read on even if you are not here for discussion about mental health and wellbeing, because if you are a reader of this blog, you need to know about a decision I have made.
For a cautious, often over-thinking person, I am sometimes surprisingly impulsive. I’m entrepreneurial by nature and tend to have a lot of ideas and get very excited about them. Often - too often - I act on those ideas before fully thinking things through, or only thinking through the benefits and not the potential problems. Knowing this about myself doesn’t stop me doing it. Actually, I don’t think it’s a bad fault - I’d always rather do too much than too little.
One such impulsive action was when I started this Substack and chose to offer paid subscriptions. At first, it seemed like a great idea and I was so thrilled when some of you decided to pay me when you didn’t have to. I felt validated and appreciated. It felt like a good decision with lots of benefits and I was invigorated by the idea of starting afresh.
I know I’m an author of many books which many thousands of people have bought but I don’t usually see that happen and it’s often hard to feel properly connected to the person who buys my books. I might hear from a reader but that doesn’t feel connected to my income, which usually arrives many months later. Also, that money doesn’t come directly to me but through my publisher and then through my agent. These paid subscriptions to my blog felt more personal, more powerful, more real.
But then… Now, after rather a lot of sleepless hours over many nights, I have decided to make everything on this substack free for everyone. I have today contacted the generous paying readers and refunded their full subscriptions and I have changed the settings of the site. You can still pay a contribution and I will be as grateful as I was before, but it is on the basis that all the content is free. That’s how it will stay for the foreseeable future.
Why have I done this? What were the unseen consequences of that original impulse?
There were three interconnected negative consequences.
1. I felt too much pressure
This was self-inflicted, I know, but it comes from a massive sense of duty that I feel to provide value in everything I do. Even though I know for a fact that at least some of the paid subscriptions came from people who simply wanted to say thank you for the work I’ve been doing for so many years, much of it unpaid, I still felt that their payments meant I needed to provide more. And more. I thought it might never be enough.
It’s a shame I felt this, to be honest, because I am not a high earner, completely unsalaried and self-employed, only paid when someone pays me, and I definitely should not feel embarrassed to ask for payment. Being professional means being paid - it’s in the definition. But somehow I felt under pressure to do more than I had the time and energy to do. That’s a personality thing and not something I’d want to change even if I could!
2. It’s taking me away from what I really want to do
I’ve been talking for several years about wanting to return to writing fiction. It’s how I started as a writer and it’s how I had intended to finish. That’s not to say there’s anything wrong, or anything less important, about writing non-fiction: it’s all skilled writing and words have power whether the topics are fact or fiction. You might even say (though I’d politely disagree) that I can do more good with my non-fiction than my fiction. But it’s not where my creativity lies and it’s not what gives me heartsong. It’s my work - or part of it - but it’s not the whole of me and I am not whole if I only write non-fiction.
Yes, I get heartsong from writing good words that help people but I want more. I want to experience once more that state of narrative transportation when I’m in the mind of a character I’ve created. I want to be carried away by emotions that I almost can’t control. I want to build worlds in other minds.
I want those feelings, those powers again.
That simply won’t happen unless I find time for it, a lot of time, not just a few minutes here and there. I’ve lost my fiction muscle and need to build it up from scratch.
Writing a substack post is infinitely easier than that and therefore more tempting. I could do that every day, easily. But I wouldn’t be following my heart.
Not everyone can follow their heart but if we can, we should. I believe.
3. That “looking after my mental health” cliché
I’m sorry but it has become a cliché. We should all be “looking after our mental health” as a normal course of things. Just as we clean our teeth to keep them strong, eat to fuel our brains and body, do enough physical activity to stay healthy. So it’s not that it’s untrue or a wrong sentiment - far from it. The problem, alongside the weakness caused by overuse, is that it carries the suggestion that the person is suffering from a mental illness. If they are, that’s really important to recognise and they absolutely should act to heal it and get help.
But I think those of us who are not actually facing diagnosable mental illness owe it to those who are not to claim it for ourselves, too. It’s like people who don’t have OCD saying they are “a bit OCD” or people who are feeling understandably anxious about something saying they are “suffering from anxiety”. No, they are feeling anxious, which is unpleasant but not unhealthy. (My most recent book, No Worries, explains the difference in more detail.)
I think we need to think a bit more carefully before we use the phrase. And we should all look after our mental health as a matter of course, in which case we shouldn’t need to say so. I dream of a world where “I’m going to look after my mental health” would be as surprising a comment as “I’m going to clean my teeth every day”. It should be a routine life skill.
Why exactly did I decide to stop writing paid posts?
I could say I have made this decision in order to “look after my mental health” and it would not be untrue but it wouldn’t accurately reflect where I am. Instead I want to break it down and say exactly what I mean:
I believe removing this particular pressure is going to help me feel better and do better in other areas of my work and life. I am using the rational, analytical part of my brain and staying in control. I believe it is a sensible decision. For me.
It’s also a decision that has no losers. I like decisions of that sort!
I believe that this decision is based on self-awareness about my personality, my energy levels and my needs. That’s practising what I preach.
I know I will sleep better (starting from tonight) and I know that sleep is worth prioritising.
I am doing this for myself and by doing it for myself I make myself better able to help others - which gives me pleasure and self-esteem. It’s a virtuous circle.
I am adapting to circumstances. The human job of surviving and succeeding.
It gives me the chance to focus more time on writing fiction, getting back into that, feeling my heartsong again. I have limited time in the day and limited energy as I get older. And I’m not going to live forever!
I really am “looking after my mental health” but I prefer to call it simply “making what feels like the right choice.” There is nothing wrong with my mental health: I’m just a human with a bundle of anxieties and emotions and reactions, with a set of personality traits that I recognise, value and manage, with strengths and weaknesses that I work on, and with a life that I am deeply lucky to have. I want to keep enough energy for my grandchildren, for my running and fitness, for my hobbies of cooking and gardening, for my friends and my family.
What I’m really doing is paying attention and not letting my life slip by. I want to use it well.
I am also lucky that my actions to “look after my mental health” - in other words the choices I try to make every day - actually work, when for many people they don’t. I am lucky to have the option not just the survive but also to thrive.
Stay with me
I hope you will stay reading my posts here. I intend to keep writing on this blog but without a sense of pressure. You probably won’t notice the difference but I will. If you’d like to make some kind of financial recognition of the work I’ve already done and the advice I’ve given over the years, that would be amazing and appreciated, but you don’t have to. And I don’t have to write another word! But I will, because I enjoy doing it. And because it’s so much easier than writing a novel…
Thank you for listening. I’ll be back soon(ish) with the next instalment of the writing to be published series. I can’t tell you when, because I don’t know. And that feels freeing.
Do the right things for yourself
Make the right decisions for you. Pay attention to what you need. Don’t let your life slip by. Seize it and live it and own it. And remember that the stronger you are, the more you can do - for others, for yourself, for whoever matters to you. Thrive - it’s the right decision.
At the top of this post, I asked the question, “Do I garden for mental health or do I garden because I like gardening and it does good things for me?”
I think you know the answer.
Everything is free for everyone on my substack. If you’d like to reward my work you can either comment on a post, email me to say something nice or make a contribution using the Subscribe now button. I’m grateful for everything!