Helping others helps ourselves - including teenagers

One way to rescue your teenagers' (or your own) self-esteem and mental health

I’ve been a longterm subscriber to Scientific American Mind. It’s a useful and readable way into the latest research on a whole load of topics. Occasionally there’s an article that feels so obvious that it doesn’t need research but sometimes those articles are still necessary as we don’t always see the obvious.

One such piece caught my eye the other day. You may or may not have access to the article but, in case you do, it was headed “Teens’ Mental Health May Improve When They Help Others”. To me this seems blindingly obvious but perhaps that’s because I’ve often noticed how helping people helps ourselves, regardless of age.

The subheading was “Volunteering in community programs can reduce youth depression and anxiety, researchers are beginning to learn”. The article notes that we already have research on this regarding adults and points to several new, small studies showing this also to be true for children and adolescents.

How on earth would it not be the case?!

Let me say why I think this effect works.

Reducing rumination

One of the prevailing features of low self-esteem and poor mental health is “rumination” - spending time thinking and thinking and thinking negatively about oneself and one’s life. When you take time to do something for someone else, you cannot simultaneously ruminate about yourself. You get a break from that incessant doom-spiralling. For the minutes or hours in which you are helping others, you stop focusing on yourself. Your brain is engaged in problem-solving for someone else.

Your own problems fade away. The more often they fade away, the further away they become.

Being needed feels good

Of course! If you are always on the receiving end of help, rather than giving it, you feel like a victim. Anyone can be a victim - no one is invincible - but only being the victim of circumstances rather than sometimes being in charge of circumstances leads to learned helplessness and worsens mental health. If you are helping someone else, you are by definition not helpless. You feel strength; you feel you have a value; you are needed and wanted.

That cannot fail to raise you up.

Social connection - you are part of a network

Even the introverts amongst us - and I am very much one of those - need social networks. We need to know who to turn to, not only for support in times of trouble but to share laughter, friendship, connection. And that support network does not come automatically or carelessly: it requires attention. When you give, you receive; when you contribute, your contribution is reciprocated or at least appreciated - not always immediately or even by the same person, but you store up goodwill and when you do receive something you feel worthy of it.

In The Teenage Guide to Friends, I talk about two-way friendships as opposed to one-way friendships. In a one-way friendship, one person is always giving. They might seem happy to do this but eventually it doesn’t work well for either person. The giver becomes resentful or eventually needs support themselves; the receiver feels less worthy. Someone who has low self-esteem and poor mental strength may easily become that perma-receiver but if they can bring themselves to help the other, to do something for them, they gain self-worth from that. (This doesn’t mean that when things are going badly you shouldn’t ask for help but it does mean that if you can at some point find the strength to offer help, to give, you will reap the benefit.)

Volunteering, or simply helping an individual in any way, builds connections and connections strengthen you. They make you less of an island.

Serendipity

When you step outside your own mind and go and do something - anything - you don’t know what might happen, who you might meet, what ideas might be sparked, what doors might open wide. When you interact with others, strangers or friends, the repercussions can be small and unnoticeable or they can be immense and life-changing. And you will never know till you try!

But what to do?

Anything! Anything that involves helping.

• Start with your school or workplace - there will be someone looking for help with something. It could be an event or a club or a project.

• Look in your local library - there’s bound to be something advertised.

• Think about your skills and interests - can you volunteer at an animal sanctuary? Can you help in a gymnastics or dance club? Local community shop? Small charity? Forest school or community garden? Litter-picking or churchyard clearance. Ask your Parish council or church/faith centre if there’s any opportunity.

• Is there someone near you struggling with shopping or dog-walking or gardening? Obviously, you need to be careful how you approach this, both to avoid causing offence and also to avoid putting yourself in a difficult situation. (If you’re under 18 - or even if you’re older - discuss this with someone else before getting involved.)

• Set up a local group yourself. For example, near where my daughter lives in East London, there’s a community group that fund-raised to provide herb planters on the streets and then worked to maintain them. I’ve done the same in my village, with a herb planter outside my house that people can help themselves to. It’s very satisfying!

CAUTION!

It’s important not only to do things for other people. You have to look after yourself, too. You know that thing about putting the oxygen mask on yourself before helping someone else? It’s powerfully important. But don’t spend so long messing about with your own oxygen mask that you have no time for anyone else! It’s all a balance and you can find it.

Tip

Discuss all this with someone you trust. Two heads are better than one and you might give each other great ideas.

Next up:

With summer upon us (and possibly even some sun…) I’m going to talk about the power of reading for pleasure - readaxation. And I will have resources for you.

Take care - of yourself and others