Empathy - opening our ears
(Listening to a worried girl at a school in China - 2019. Empathy is about listening. Really listening.)
It’s Empathy Day today. I wish that meant that everyone would be more empathetic all day, realise how the world works better when everyone is, and then decide to be more empathetic every day from now on. Sadly, that is not what will happen.
I’m a big fan of empathy and am convinced of its power to reduce hatred, violence, aggression and discord. I am convinced that better empathy improves the lives of both the person being empathetic and the person being listened to. I possibly know more about it than most people, having done a counselling diploma in which I learned “advanced empathy”. I have written about the topic quite often before. Here’s a selection of my weary witterings: The Teenage Brain Woman on Empathy.
And here (below) is a pdf of a talk I gave to Walker Books staff on Empathy Day in 2021. (If you’d like me to give the talk to your organisation, let me know.)
Why weary witterings?
I hope you sense the weariness in my words today. If so, that’s very empathetic of you. Nice listening! Obviously there was a clue when I used the word “weary” but I think my words felt weary, too.
You may now be starting to try to guess why I might be weary.
In order to guess - and guessing is where empathy starts but not where it ends - why I might be weary, you need a few things:
A human brain, because humans evolved to be able to be empathetic on a level that is impossible for any other animal, even the ones who perhaps possess some ability. Some humans are more able to do this than others but everyone can learn to do it a bit better, in my view, and we all need to practise and to keep trying. I believe. It’s a skill we learn and can improve.
Some knowledge of me and what’s going on for me. You might get this from things I’ve written recently; or you might know me personally; or you might ask. (It’s OK - you don’t need to ask; I’m just giving an example of how you might know something about someone!) For example, you might have read my post Where Am I (and thank you for many empathetic responses to that!) or you might know that I’m speaking at a conference tomorrow or you might know (from a post on X/Twitter recently) that I’ve been blocked on X/Twitter by at least three other children’s authors, none of whom I have ever interacted with at all and despite the fact that I’ve never said anything aggressive to anyone there. Maybe I’m so boring that I need to be blocked rather than just not followed? I understand!
A general awareness of how certain situations create weariness. A bit of human psychology, in other words. We all have that and some more than others.
A willingness to hear me explain why I’m weary in this particular context. In other words, by listening.
So, why are my witterings weary?
Because, for all that I and many, many others (perhaps all of you and the majority of the people we know between us) say - and believe we believe - that empathy is a good thing, it just doesn’t seem to be growing. The opposite, it often seems.
Because I think people often pay lip service to it. They say it’s desirable but then they don’t take steps to improve their own. They are often quite blind to their own failings in empathy.
Because (connected to the last point) too many people seem to think they only need to be empathetic to people who a) think like them and b) are like them.
But if empathy is only for the people we already know and like and everyone else is excluded, what exactly is the point of it? Then it would just be friendship. Hugely important but not the same as empathy.
Empathy is about widening our understanding of people, not just the few we hold close to us but everyone we might come across in our daily lives, our work, our social times, everything.
Empathy is about being able to walk in someone else’s shoes even when those those don’t fit. Once you’ve walked a while in someone else’s shoes, your own feet might change slightly. Which, I guess is what some fear. But if your feet are strong enough and if you then put your own shoes back on and if you regularly walk in different shoes, you’ll not be harmed. You’ll just be a little wiser, a little kinder, a little less self-righteous.
How can we be better at this?
I think we can start by being aware of the signs that we are struggling with empathy. For example, when we find ourselves saying “I do not understand how someone can…” we should question ourselves on this. I don’t mean that we should condone bad behaviour and I do not even mean we should hold all views in equal respect. I do mean that when someone does something differently from how we think we would have done it or thinks something differently from us, we ask why, we hear their reasons and we walk in their shoes just for a bit and see if perhaps they have a point.
We don’t even need to end up agreeing with their point or diminishing our strongly held views, but what we do need to do is to recognise that they are human beings, too; that we all bleed and feel; that we have hearts and brains and we are all on this shared planet together. Our behaviours - good and bad - arise from a dizzyingly complex array of often invisible and sometimes unknowable factors and empathy is about first recognising that and second trying to identify them.
Why do they feel like that?
What made them do that?
Can I learn anything useful from this?
I do understand why someone would block me on Twitter
Or at least I can make some guesses, which, as I say, is the start of empathy though not the end. My guesses would include:
They have looked at the people I follow and have made some assumptions about what I therefore think. I don’t believe you can accurately guess what someone thinks just by who they follow but I accept that they might think they can. What they don’t realise is that I follow both people I agree with and people I don’t. I used to think everyone did that but I now realise not.
They have picked up some clues that I am not like them and this makes them feel unsafe. I wish I could reassure them that they are not unsafe with me. I did once lash out at a man who tried to grope me on a train a very long time ago but as long as you don’t try to grope me on a train or anywhere else you’re really pretty safe. I’m averse to confrontation both in person and online, and I’m very, very unlikely to be confrontational.
They just don’t like me and/or just don’t want to see my words. I could point out that they could just not follow me or read my words; they don’t actually need to block me. I could also point out that my words are carefully chosen to help people, including them and people they might care about. I could point out that I spend a very great deal of time choosing helpful, kind words and mostly don’t get paid for them. But if they don’t like my words at all, it is their right not to listen to them.
In short, I do understand why someone would block me on Twitter. I even empathise. But I said that guessing is where empathy starts but not where it ends. It ends with listening and properly hearing. To truly empathise with them I’d need to be able to hear their words. And I can’t. Because they’ve blocked me on Twitter.
So I don’t (can’t) empathise with them because I can’t hear them.
And that is very sad.
Isn’t it?
Hang on…
Actually it’s not very sad at all. I’m making it my problem when it’s not. It is their absolute right to block me and if they think it will improve their lives not to hear my words that is - seriously - their prerogative. It’s not my problem. It’s probably not anyone’s problem.
I just counselled myself! I listened, I allowed myself to talk, I listened again and I said something that shifted my emotion and my viewpoint.
I just counselled myself! I listened, I allowed myself to talk, I listened again and I said something that shifted my emotion and my viewpoint.
Suddenly I’m not feeling weary any more. The sun has just come out and I have plenty of other things to occupy my mind. I’m going for a run and then I’m going to spend the afternoon writing some words of a novel which is at its heart about empathy.
I wish you all - including those who block me and therefore won’t hear my well-wishing - an Empathy Day which triggers new and empowering thoughts about empathy to change for the better your life, the lives of those around you and the wider world which we all share.
Let the sun shine and let weariness give way to energy, kindness and human empathy! Let’s all make the world a tiny bit better by agreeing to listen a lot better.
